Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
