Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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