so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
