my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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