Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
