She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
