just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
