I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
