i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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