im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he fucked my hip out of place.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
