Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
