A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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