I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Everything about him screamed your future.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
