Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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