Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
