Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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