this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
