Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
