Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
