Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
