At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
