I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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