I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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