What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
