Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
