i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize