woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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