that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
