Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
