My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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