she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
