It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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