i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
