I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
