I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
