Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
