The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
