Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
