All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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