I'm really into asian looking animals
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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