i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
