She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
