I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize