Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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