are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
