Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
