: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
