Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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