I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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