I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
