Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
