Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
