This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
