Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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